Or
Oracle Snarky on Birth Control

1. Babies smell
2. Babies cry a lot
3. Babies are expensive
4. Babies have nappies
5. Babies ooze. A lot
6. Babies are not shy about doing their ablutions publicly
7. Babies are not shy about doing their ablutions on your hand
8. Or vomiting on your shirt
9. Children require schooling. Schooling is expensive
10. Children require schooling. And therefore help with their homework
11. Babies grow up to be ill-adjusted teenagers
12. Teenagers grow up to be ill-adjusted adults
13. Children pull your hair
14. Babies don’t have a mute button
15. They grow up without a mute button
16. Babies cry. Constantly
17. It is the end of your life
18. Kids dominate the TV during XBOX time with shitty cartoons
19. Babies are born looking like Yoda
20. Babies ruin your social life
21. And your sex life
22. They’re like a cancerous growth that you can’t get rid of
23. They can’t wipe their own asses
24. Children can’t be reasoned with
25. Children are afraid of everything
26. They are a social drain - they’re all your friends can talk about
27. They make your friends boring
28. Children require regular feeding
29. You can’t leave them at home alone
30. You can’t just leave them and go on holiday
31. They make your pets jealous
32. They will eventually grow up to be just like your parents
33. Because you’ll have to trade your sports car for a mini-van
34. Lift-club will be added to your vocabulary
35. Parents’ evening. Period.
36. No more smoking
37. Everything you do has a PG rating
38. They will throw down with you in the middle of a shopping centre.
39. They don’t care if you’re having a bad day
40. Fuck you if you ARE having a bad day. It’s not ABOUT you.
41. Nothing is ever about you. Your life is no longer about you.
42. They require constant entertainment. At the most inopportune moment.
43. You will never have another moment of peace. Ever.
44. Because you know what you were doing when you were their age.
45. Because at some point they WILL ask you what an erection is.
46. And what a blowjob is.
47. They will always point out your genitals at the most inopportune moments, ie business dinners.
48. They either get bullied or are bullies at some point. Either way, someone is getting a kick-slap
49. Stretch marks, wrinkles and grey hair. And a possible drinking problem
50. They will inevitably find your porn collection
51. You can no longer own a porn collection
52. They break everything
53. You can’t yell at them when they break things
54. They cry when you yell at them
55. They will, at some point, blame you for everything
56. They can’t do anything on their own
57. You can’t neuter your kids.
58. You aren’t allowed to eat your kids.
59. They are more than likely to become the people you hated in highschool
60. You HAVE to love them
61. He may have been the strongest sperm, but it doesn’t mean he’s gonna be the smartest kid
62. You spend 6 months training them to use a toilet and they still wet the fucking bed
63. They break into your booze cabinet and steal all your good shit
64. They develop these weird insecurities and blame you entirely

65. They make you feel old
66. You have to laugh at their jokes, and pretend it’s still funny after the hundredth time they’ve told you
67. Spontaneity is no longer an option
68. They suck your bank account dry and never pay you back
69. You can no longer wear your own Spiderman outfit
70. Privacy is a thing of the past
71. Sleeping in on the weekend is a thing of the past.
72. You voluntarily and willingly welcome a clown into your house at least once a year
73. You have to pretend that the tooth faerie exists
74. And Santa Clause
75. And the Easter Bunny
76. You will have to explain why you lied about the Tooth Faerie. And Santa Clause. And the Easter Bunny.
77. They put everything in their mouths. Including your cellphone and car keys
78. They expect you to be entertained by every stupid thing they do.
79. And cry if you aren’t.
80. They stick things up their noses and expect you to fish them out.
81. They will end up hating you. No matter what you do.
82. You will always be wrong
83. Children will look you in the eye and lie shamelessly
84. You can never yell “I HATE YOU” back
85. They think running around screaming is funny.
86. They will do anything to get your attention, including removing their clothes
87. You have to encourage them even when you think it’s stupid
88. You have to pretend to like Britney Spears and Avril Lavine
89. You can no longer buy anything cool for yourself
90. They will never, ever say thank you
91. The doctor will know you by name
92. You are expected to teach them morals when, actually, you have none of your own
93. They will never be your cookies again
94. You will never, ever scream louder
95. They might be the next Charles Manson or UniBomber the second.
96. You can’t exchange them for a better model. Non refundable.
97. Your baby voice will become your only voice
98. Laptops and crayons do not go well together
99. They expect you to eat what they’ve just spat out
100. You can’t switch them off when you get tired of them
101. They remind you daily that you should have used a fucking condom